Third Eye Blind Wins Decades-Long Lawsuit With Optometrist

SAN FRANCISCO, CA–Crowds gathered outside the San Francisco Superior Courthouse to hear Third Eye Blind’s Stephan Jenkins reflect on years of turmoil set in motion by a series of reckless practices from optometrist, Cornealius Scratch. “I can finally step off from that ledge, my friends,” said Jenkins, reading his speech from Braille and recalling his lowest moments with crystal meth that nearly drove him towards suicide and a gluten-free diet on several occasions. The dark days weren’t all bad, inspiring numerous hit songs, such as “Semi Charmed Life” and “Jumper”. “And let this be a warning to all optometrists of the world. Fuck your prescription glasses. Fuck your eye charts. Fuck your families, and fuck you. Your days here are numbered,” Jenkins exclaimed through teary eyes. His speech reached a fever pitch with onlookers following the announcement of his retirement from music to attend law school, vowing to one day eradicate optometry from this great country. Jenkins would go on to endorse the Pepsi COVID-19 vaccine.