LOS ANGELES, CA–“Kobe Bean Bryant has overstayed his welcome,” shouted Los Angeles resident, Otis Gallardo. Otis’ crew has been shooting hoops at the Venice Beach basketball courts for nearly ten years now, but ever since Kobe’s tragic passing on January 29, 2020 they’ve lost sight of whether ball is life. Every game there is haunted by the ghost of Kobe nowadays. “Nobody can beat Kobe, and Kobe’s never not here,” exclaimed a frustrated Otis, “I haven’t won a game this year. I have a damn family to feed. I have a mortgage, a gambling debt, credit card debt, a timeshare, a pen pal, a dog, and a toothache.”
But Otis isn’t the only Angeleno fed up with the former Lakers great. Maria Fernandez, owner of Wilshire Exotic Pets, cited Kobe frequent “pranking” of customers by taking over the body of her black mamba snake and killing patrons. “It’s hurt my business. I mean don’t get me wrong, it’s obviously hilarious, especially when he targets dumbass Clippers fans, but I just don’t think Mr. Bryant appreciates how his antics affect me,” she explained. “I wish he would at least wait until after they purchase something.”
Even Lebron James, current Lakers superstar and all-time NBA great, has reportedly hired numerous spirit mediums to rid Staples Center of Kobe’s influence. When reached out to for comment, Lebron whined about “annoying” Bryant, heckling James all game and yelling “Kobe” every time he shoots. “I’m not Kobe. I’m Lebron Jim–James. I’m Lebron James! He’s in my head!” said Lebron through gritted teeth.
The problem is so apparent that even the city has been forced to intervene. Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti has reportedly met with Kobe several times, urging him to pass on to the afterlife. According to the mayor’s office, wheels are in motion, including a proposed $500 million expansion to the LAPD budget, ensuring more pressure is put on Kobe and poor people to leave.
“I am Los Angeles. How many rings you got?” was Kobe’s only response when reached out to for comment.