KABUL, AFGHANISTAN–Following their hostile takeover of the Afghan capital, Kabul, Taliban leadership made sure to kick-off their new, heavily disputed regime with some overdue thanks. From a press conference at an unidentifiable, bombed-out building, supreme leader Haibatullah Akhundzada unveiled a brand new statue of United States President Joe Biden.
“I think of him as a founding father,” Akhundzada explained tearfully. “Joe is a really, really good dude in my books. I am familiar with the American NBA, and this is like when the Lakers play isolation basketball. Everybody just gets out of the way and let’s Lebron James do his thing for the win. We are Lebron James in this case, and Joe is our teammates.” His analogy seemed lost on the onlookers, but there was buzz nonetheless.
The monument’s sculptor, Abdul-Malek, was next to take the stage. “We had a long debate about the size of penis we should give Joe. I was thinking small and humble, they were saying large and manly schlong, but in the end I went with chode. It seemed a good compromise,” he eagerly described. “I wasn’t really into the whole invasion thing, but I am proud of that statue.”
The President has yet to address the new monument, but White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki did convey Biden’s displeasure for the whole ordeal, particularly the penis size.