ANAHEIM, CA–With Disney’s passion for customer experience firmly at the forefront of their vision, they announced a brand new upgrade that’s sure to make the magic kingdom even more magical: no more water fountains. Of course, they’re not simply erasing water from the theme park, but rather instituting a fun, new method of hydration they call Captain Agua-Merica.
Captain Agua-Merica will cost park-goers just $20 for 16 whole ounces of purified water, and it’ll even feature a free Captain America sticker on the bottle. For just $10 extra, fans of the water can upgrade to a souvenir cup featuring an exact replica of Chris Evans’ autograph. But wait — the fun doesn’t stop there either — discount refills will be made available for repeat customers, setting fans back just $5 more with a souvenir cup and $18 with a standard cup.
“They eat that shit up, don’t they?” mused Mickey Mouse, seemingly satisfied with himself about the decision. “I’m kind of numb to the feeling now — making money. I don’t need it. I just do it because nobody can do it like me, and that’s all I’ve got nowadays. But, uh, it’s all about the fans, right? Fuck the fans,” Mickey whispered under his breath while fixing himself another line of cocaine.
One thing is certain: fans will love Captain Agua-Merica.