U.S. History Professor Still Boycotting Tea

NASHVILLE, TN–The emotional highs and lows of the American Revolution still feel very raw to one Vanderbilt U.S. History professor, Jacob Revere. While some wounds have healed over time, others are as fresh as they were nearly 250 years ago. As time passes, one thing remains constant for Jacob: his disdain for the British Empire and, by extension, tea.

“I can’t stand that tea crap. It reminds me of what it’s like to have taxation without representation. Like we’re some sort of cuck country,” Revere relayed passionately. The lecturer has grown quite notorious around campus for his gratuitous anti-British rhetoric and unverified lineage to Paul Revere. “My founding fathers said no more tea. That’s part of what America was founded on, and just because Starbucks or other purveyors of British propaganda have forgotten their roots, doesn’t mean I have. What Samuel Adams wanted is not lost on me.”

The conversation unraveled into a laundry list of other British things Prof. Revere refuses to partake in, including Harry Potter, fish and chips, The Beatles, beer in pint glasses, and Colin Firth.