MINNEAPOLIS, MN–With a draft strategy best described as ‘two birds, one stone’, Minnesota native Petey O’Hearn exited his fantasy football draft full of confidence for the season ahead. In a rare sequence of events, his draft unfolded completely by the script. Petey had somehow managed to get every player on his draft day wish list.

“I prioritized players who haven’t gotten the vaccine — I mean the death jab,” said Petey in a candid breakdown of his blueprint heading into the draft. “I can’t afford to have players dropping dead or getting terribly, terribly sick. Everyone who got that death jab will be dead in the coming months, so what good will it be to draft Patrick Mahomes? Sure, he might have a few good weeks in him, but then what? I’m looking ahead to the playoffs. Plus, I don’t want any leftist sheeple on my team.”

Despite Petey’s satisfaction, we have our reservations about how strong Team Anti-Sacks will be this season. While Kirk Cousins does fit the anti-vax prototype, Petey passed over several better, also unvaccinated players in the process. Without jumping to conclusions, Petey might not know very much about fantasy football. Also, his understanding of science begs further interrogation.