‘I Have A Girlfriend, She Goes To A Different School’ Claims Surge With Return Of Distance Learning

HONOLULU, HI–As COVID-19 infections soar, many schools have temporarily reverted to distance-based learning to mitigate health risks. With students back at home, an interesting social phenomenon has started developing. Across the country, unverifiable claims of girlfriends who go to different schools have spiked to record-setting levels.

“Yeah, my girlfriend goes to school in Seattle, so that’s why none of my friends have ever met her,” insisted Honolulu 10th grader Xavier Hayes. He admits he has been unable to meet many girls with such brief in-class instruction during the past year and a half. “Samantha is her name. She’s also a cheerleader, and she’s a senior. She’s the cheer captain. I’d call her right now, but she’s totally busy on a modeling shoot, and she hates it when I keep tabs.”

Xavier is far from alone as girlfriend-who-goes-to-a-different-school claims border on a social epidemic. When asked about their relationship status, few female students said they had boyfriends from different schools. Either many of these guys are dating the same girl, or the math doesn’t match up. Then again, it may be that some of the claims are complete fabrications.