MANHATTAN, NY–Every now and then, the stars align in this capitalist paradise known as America, and one fortunate hard-worker strikes it rich. Most recently, that lottery winner is Deborah Hawkins, a full-time intern at a Manhattan-based start-up company called We Take Your Data And Monetize It — a data mining business valued at over $200 million.

Now approaching the end of her tenure, Deborah feels gratitude regarding all the experience she’s gained along the way. “They let me be totally hands-on with it all. I deliver mail and coffee to some important people. I answer phones — I never knew how to do that before. I’m on the front lines of a $200 million company. I should be paying them!” declared Deborah, awestruck by the knowledge now bouncing around her noggin. “Of course, the coffee was usually out of pocket for me. Their accounting is just far too busy with real problems to deal with microtransactions like that. I completely understand.”

However, the gratuitous work experience is also an embarrassment of riches that plagues Deborah daily. “I know I’m not giving anywhere near as much as I’m getting out of this internship. All I have to offer is 40 hours of my time every week, and they give me all the tools to succeed. They gave me fish and taught me how to fish.” Deborah has a scheduled meeting with her supervisor this Friday when she will propose a resolution that allows her to pay them $15 for every hour she worked at We Take Your Data And Monetize It.