NASHVILLE, TN–Michael Carmichael knows his rights when he sees them. As an American, one of those God-given rights is the freedom of choice to not comply with anything the CDC or any branch of government deems helpful or necessary to public health. Wearing a mask is one such example of something Michael absolutely will not comply with — or so he says.

“It would be the equivalent of me traveling to Washington D.C., pulling down my pants at the National Archives, crouching down over the U.S. Constitution, and taking a diarrhea shit all over it,” Carmichael explained. However, he could not pinpoint precisely where his rights might intersect with wearing a mask in the Constitution. “Once you surrender one right, you surrender all your rights. And masks violate my third amendment right, I think,” he claimed, erroneously citing the prohibition of involuntary quartering of soldiers in private homes without the owner’s consent. Michael stood his ground when this was pointed out, claiming “that’s your interpretation” before diving into a rant about science.

Apparently, all Michael needed to soften his stance was a visit to Taco Bell. “After devouring a Cheesy Gordita Crunch and two Crunchwrap Supremes, I felt an imbalance in my belly, so I headed for safety. When I entered the Taco Bell restroom, a wave of gaseous poop assaulted my nostrils, nearly knocking me unconscious,” he recounted with unnecessary detail. “Someone else was in the stall farting up a mess. I could hear it. I could practically taste it. Nobody should have to smell that. If a mask gives me the best defense against Crunchwrap Supreme farts, then that’s a change I’m willing to consider.”