‘Gushers For Nutter Butter, Straight Up’ Manchin, Democrats Strike Landmark Deal Over Lunch

WASHINGTON, D.C.–The finish line of a months-long stalemate may finally be upon us. Following a team-building game of ‘heads up, seven up’ with the Democrats, West Virginia Sen. Joe Manchin entered the lunch break in a remarkably better mood than normal. Manchin had correctly guessed each of his thumb pressers. Noticing Joe’s cheerfulness, Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer moved in for negotiation.

“I see Manchin just sitting by himself at the lunch table. He’s kind of a loner, so that wasn’t anything new, but this time Joe had a fat grin on his face,” Schumer recounted with thinly-veiled glee. The two went on to discuss a potential lunch trade, something they had been unable to accomplish through countless attempts over the past several months. “The son of a bitch took my first offer. Normally, there’s always a back and forth. Joe doesn’t like to budge. I was prepared to offer half of my string cheese.”

It was nothing short of a miracle. Manchin and Schumer made a pact to trade Joe’s Nutter Butter for Schumer’s Gushers — a much smaller dessert — straight up. Nearby Democrat senators could not believe what Chuck had pulled off. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi climbed up on the lunch table and led a group chanting of “good luck Chuck!” A reference to Schumer’s nickname and the 2007 Dane Cook film.

“We’re now waiting on the paperwork to get signed. I’m thorough when it comes to these legally-binding contracts. I need to review the documents to make sure ol’ Nancy isn’t trying to sneak in nothing about wealth taxes, or my Fruit Roll-Up with tongue tattoos. I’m not willing to part ways with that,” Manchin reflected about the deal. The bill projects to be ratified by the start of afternoon nap time.