RICHMOND, VA–While celebrating a tight victory over Democratic nominee Terry McAuliffe, Virginia’s governor-elect Glenn Youngkin wasted no time addressing his future plans for education reform in the state. He detailed strategies such as eliminating environmental science from the curriculum and putting Jesus back in history textbooks. Youngkin even suggested three pledges of allegiance every morning, back to back to back, to encourage free thought. Though it soon became obvious which issue Glenn felt most passionately about, critical race theory.

“I’m vowing today to fire all track coaches in Virginia public schools. They’re teaching this critical race theory, and it’s not right. It’s cheating. You have schools with less athletic kids winning at track meets, and it’s downright un-Christian,” Youngkin passionately relayed to his supporters before expanding on his rationale. “What’s there even to be theorizing about? In my day, running was just one foot in front of the other — the same way Jesus Christ did it on water. Thinking about it will only slow you down. And to the swim team coaches out there, don’t think I don’t have my eyes on you, too.”

Youngkin also went on to express optimism surrounding a grassroots effort to re-segregate Virginia education. “I’m not some crazy out-of-touch racist. This isn’t about all schools, only the kindergarten through 12th-grade classrooms. The developmental years. After that? The kids are free to do as they like. College is the time for experimentation.” Glenn’s words amounted to music to his supporters’ ears, who slow-clapped their way into a crescendoed applause. “Today was a good day,” Glenn concluded, referencing Ice Cube’s 1992 hit song. “But I did think about using my AK.”