SEATTLE, WA–Following gratuitous losses from their new home-flipping business scheme, Zillow leadership announced an abrupt end to their efforts as they look to sell off more than 7,000 remaining houses. This includes laying off roughly 25% of their workforce as they pull back on the endeavor entirely. But, even as stocks plummet, the resilient company is already embarking on its next big venture. Zillow’s CEO Richard Barton announced on Wednesday the company’s intention to begin investing in timeshares.
“Well, actually, we’re already doing it. It all started with a call from this real estate guy, Nate, who turned me on to the timeshares. The prices are so reasonable–I’d be a stupid idiot not to seize the opportunity! I’m a CEO. I know business when I see it, and I tell you, baby, my eyeballs went cha-ching when I heard how much it costs to own two weeks in Maui,” Barton enthusiastically conveyed. However, he appeared frantic and unsure of himself the more the conversation went on. “Of course, the up-front cost was pretty high, but Nate said that’s standard.”
Barton then shifted his strategy to attempting to sell us timeshares. Though we resolutely refused, he insistently continued on, “Okay, so you’re too goddamn good for Maui? I’ve got three weeks in Des Moines, baby. All right, to hell with Des Moines then! One month in the Hamptons! It’s January, but what other opportunity will you have in the Hamptons?!” Barton’s desperation soon gave way to unrestrained fury as the CEO screamed out, “I can’t get out of this fucking timeshare! I’m locked in! I hate you, Nate!”
Richard Barton has stepped down as CEO of Zillow.