Rittenhouse Jurors Reach Verdict Following Consultation With r/AmItheAsshole

KENOSHA, WI–After three days of deliberation, jurors overseeing the controversial Kyle Rittenhouse homicide trial remained at an impasse on Friday morning. With neither side of the debate willing to budge, they were moving no closer to a resolution. Hoping to wrap things up before the weekend, the jury appealed to a neutral third party to decide the fate of the teenager charged with killing two protesters and wounding another. All huddled around as one anonymous juror — we’ll call him “Jared” — fired up his Reddit account, requesting that the others not judge his username as he navigated to the popular subreddit r/AmItheAsshole.

A trying and nuanced Internet debate about police brutality, gun violence, race relations, and Antonio Brown’s vaccination status ensued. “I was really taken aback when u/wormsinmybung brought up racism in America. I’d never ever considered that before in my life. I don’t think any of us had,” Jared reflected, empathizing with the protesters for the first time. Maybe they did have a purpose for being there. “But then somebody pointed out that the liberal elites are trying to take our guns, and that made me mad, too.” It seemed for every point there was a counterpoint, and they were drifting further from a verdict as the process continued to play out.

After several hours of back-and-forth debate, the collective opinion was clear enough: “ESH”; Translation: “everyone sucks here.” Suddenly, the jurors became hellbent on convicting everyone involved, including Judge Bruce Schroeder, Rand Paul, and the Clintons. “We were just furious, and at a point, the anger felt misdirected. Redditors didn’t help us reach a resolution, they made it all more complicated, and there were way too many mentions of Keanu Reeves. That became abundantly clear after we ate lunch. I think we were hangry,” Jared iterated, sharing the collective feelings of the entire jury. Following twenty minutes on r/Aww, the jurors knew they had to make a decision.

“In the end, we just flipped a coin. I can’t remember what we decided. Did that guy do the thing?”