THOUSAND OAKS, CA–Since he was a kid, Rex Feldman has always been treated like a child. The kiddie classification has plagued him throughout high school, college, and now twelve years into his job as a barista/clock repairman. Nobody takes him seriously. It comes from everywhere, including Rex’s friends, co-workers, and most of all, his family. That’s why he hates the holidays. To Rex, it’s nothing but an excuse for extended family to bond over roasting him for his life decisions.

Last year’s Thanksgiving was the worst holiday yet when Rex told Aunt Macy that he was a communist. He can still hear the belly laughs echoing in his head, and this year was sure to be another disaster. That is until his grandmother died last week. After the initial shock wore off, Rex began to understand the implications. With granny out of the picture, a spot opens up at the adult table. Now 34 years old, Rex finds it inappropriate to continue eating at the kid table, where all his cousins are still under 21. Though no official replacement had been named ahead of time, Rex was pretty sure he would be next in line for the adult table.

“Maybe they’ll finally take me seriously, you know? My family always treats me like a stupid kid, but if I eat at the adult table, then they can’t deny that I’m an adult, right?” Rex reflected with cautious optimism. He could barely contain the glee plastered across his face. “I’m 34, and this promotion is long overdue. I hate making small talk about Riverdale or how hard the seventh grade is. Like, I’ve already done the seventh grade.”

In the end, Rex was awarded a seat at the adult table, right next to Uncle Isaac — the stockbroker. Rex had long craved the opportunity to debate Uncle Isaac on the topic of Reaganomics. He never got that chance, though. As Rex took his seat, he announced festively, “I’m so hungry. I could eat a cornucopia of turkey!” Everyone laughed, and Rex lost any hope of earning some respect.