Joe Biden Reminds Student Debt Critics That Free Orientation T-Shirts ‘Go A Long Way’ Toward Justifying Tuition Prices

WASHINGTON, D.C.–In an apparent backtrack from his campaign trail promise, Joe Biden opened up about his ongoing neglect to address the nation’s student debt crisis. Speaking candidly to a group of college freshmen, the president took the podium to lay out his thoughts about plans to move forward. Talks started promisingly with an Oxford Dictionary definition of debt, but the discussion took a sharp turn when Biden’s fixation with giving away free t-shirts on campuses took center stage.

“Forget about debts for a second, and let’s talk about the real problem. We’ve got kids showing up to the colleges, and they’ve got no shirts on. They’re half-naked, and they’re cold, and they’re just trying to pass business calculus,” the bewildered president iterated. The freshmen remained skeptical and confused by the president’s point despite his earnestness. “I’m completely serious. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. No shirts. Especially in Florida.”

Although nobody inquired further, Biden next offered reflections on why he believed the existing collegiate system wasn’t all that bad. “Many universities are giving away a lot of shirts at orientation, and that’s good for the shirt problem,” he started again. Biden then asserted his tone-deafness by claiming that “shirts also go a long way toward making the tuition kinda worth it.” The comment was certain to ruffle feathers, but the president wasn’t done yet. “Sixty-thousand dollars for education, and I get a free t-shirt? Sign me up!”

The shirt ramblings continued on for another half hour. By the end, Biden had failed to outline any plan of addressing student debt. Instead, he applauded the university efforts to put more shirts in circulation. After sharing his concluding sentiments, the president threw on a decades-old shirt from the University of Delaware. “I got this shirt as a freshman.”