LAFAYETTE, LA–Landry Broussard woke up this Christmas morning with his holiday cheer at an all-time low. On paper, the day was perfect. The whole family got together, NFL football played on the television, Landry’s sister Annabelle made short ribs, and his family even let his best friend Theo join in the festivities. Landry had always been more of a Fourth of July type of guy, but an uncharacteristic gloom clouded his head the whole day long. In fact, he hadn’t been the same all year — not since January. Still, it was Christmas day, and Landry’s family had hoped he might snap out of his funk. Unfortunately, not even new hand grenades from his nephew Mo could lift his spirits.

The hard truth is that Landry has been feeling useless these days. Once a fervent QAnon follower, he feels passionless now that his beloved leader “Q” has gone silent in recent months. Landry is still very much politically active on Facebook and other online forums, but the efforts seem futile and directionless without guidance. Even on a beautiful Christmas day like today, Landry simply cannot shake off the disenfranchised attitude. As he looks around the room, he barely recognizes his own family these days. Theo is in the know, but the rest are sheeple, and they could never understand where Landry is coming from. He knows he’s living a lie.

During halftime of the Packers-Browns game, Landry snuck off to the fridge, where he received the greatest gift of all. As Landry fixed himself another eggnog with whiskey, he noticed something peculiar. The expiration date on the eggnog carton read “Jan. 6, 2022” — the anniversary of the capitol riot. Landry gasped audibly, then passed it off as a COVID cough to shake any suspicion. Was this a covert message from Q? Landry felt the patriotism surging through his veins, stronger than ever before. He considered the possibility that it might just be a coincidence, but in his gut, he knew the truth. Q is back, and he wants Landry on the front lines.

Landry had missed the first capitol riot, a decision he has long since regretted. He couldn’t contain his glee as he gestured for Theo to join him for an aside conversation. Landry pulled him into the bathroom and showed him the eggnog’s expiration date. Theo lit up as Landry whispered in his ear, “pack your bags, Theo. We’re going to the District of Columbia. I suspect JFK might be there, too.” Theo yelled out his battle cry, and the two slipped outside for some grenade practice. Truly a Christmas miracle.

There’s no word yet on how Landry will wiggle out of his house arrest, which runs through August.