AUSTIN, TX–Despite the ongoing backlash against sweeping new book bans in schools and public libraries, Texas Gov. Greg Abbott stirred the pot even more on Monday. Speaking to a crowd of unidentified individuals inside his second-favorite Whataburger location, Abbott took his crusade against literature a step further. After recounting his own struggles with reading, including Harry Potter and “that one about the rye bread,” the embattled governor declared all books above a third-grade reading level to be illegal.
“Now, we just don’t want people getting any ideas about things,” Abbott explained while suggestively fixing his peered eyes on one of the onlookers’ french fries. “I’ve seen kids get ideas before, and it’s usually bad. Adults, too. This isn’t about thought-policing. It’s about having no thoughts at all. Who even needs to know a word like ‘mockingbird’? Let alone read a whole dang book about one,” he continued before launching into a more personal grievance. “And let’s stop shaming people just because they’re stuck at a third-grade reading level but somehow became the governor. It’s not cool. Some people don’t know words like ‘cornucopia’ or any other four-syllable ones.”
Gov. Abbott would further clarify the new order, outlining plans to erase English from the public school curriculum altogether. “I’m thinking we should get a movie class right there, instead. Kids love movies, and we can teach them valuable lessons with, like, The Patriot and Top Gun and those Ernest movies. I’ve also always enjoyed watching Free Willy. Maybe we’ll fit that in, too.” The governor added that “T.V. shows can also be shown in the movie class.”
It’s unclear when these news laws will come into effect or whether they are constitutionally legal, to begin with. Abbott declined to hear any questions.