‘Eat A Man’s Fish Of The Day, Teach Him About The Fish’s Lifetime’ Mutters Disgraced Ex-Philosophy Scholar From Behind Red Lobster Dumpster

SACRAMENTO, CA–Diners at the local Red Lobster were treated to something unexpected on Monday night. Anyone who walked by the building’s east side encountered a drunken man spewing unintelligible versions of famous proverbs. That man is Dr. Carl Iverson. Iverson is a Ph.D. of Philosophy and a former professor at the University of California, Berkeley. His beliefs about the world had become notoriously radical, and Iverson apparently pushed things too far when he presented his belief that Earth is a triangle and started drawing eery parallels to caste systems. He was eventually let go in the spring of 2020.

Since his release, Dr. Iverson has found infrequent work giving lectures, though his name is primarily tarnished in the academic community these days, so these opportunities are few and far between. Instead, he’s decidedly on the path of a more grassroots lecture circuit. Dr. Iverson likes to get drunk and declare his beliefs in public spaces. He’s lectured at skate parks, public libraries, 7-11s, and the gym his estranged wife works out at. Dr. Iverson is not usually well-received by audiences, but Monday night outside the Red Lobster was different.

“Eat a man’s fish of the day, teach him about the fish’s lifetime,” the disgraced philosopher repeated to himself from behind the dumpster. With so many people shuffling in and out of the restaurant, some couldn’t help but take notice. A small audience started to gather around Iverson as he spewed more original takes on popular proverbs. “Early bird eats the worm, but every bird gets a worm. Worms open 24/7, doesn’t matter. It’s just in the dirt.” Maybe there was something in the surf and turf or the Crunchy Popcorn Shrimp Dinner, but something about Dr. Iverson’s words connected with Red Lobster diners.

By the time closing time rolled around, Dr. Iverson’s audience had grown to more than 150. There were families, some were college students, others bankers, Hollywood actors, and mechanics, and all of them were invested in what the philosopher had to say. Dr. Iverson left his followers with one last nugget to chew on before retiring for the night. “One apple means no doctors today. Right? What about two apples? That’s for no insurance salesman.”

The group erupted into standing applause as Dr. Iverson passed out drunk behind the dumpster.