ARLINGTON, VA–Macy Feimster is no dating expert, but it’s become increasingly obvious that her relationship is failing for quite a while now. She and her boyfriend, Ozzie, have been together for more than three years at this point. Year one was mostly good, so they rushed into renting an apartment together. Then the pandemic hit a couple of months later, and Macy and Ozzie were thrust into a 24/7 co-habitation. That was not what they signed up for. It didn’t take long before they couldn’t stand to be with each other much at all. That was nearly two years ago, and they’re still sticking it out today.
Macy likes Ozzie. He’s a solid dude and all, but spending an entire day with Ozzie got old fast — let alone every day. For starters, he wears natural deodorant. This means he smells good only during the morning. Come the afternoon? Ozzie starts to stink up something fierce. He also makes stupid jokes, has an annoying laugh that goes on too long, and listens to Limp Bizkit during the workday. Ozzie can’t cook. He isn’t considerate, never buys flowers, and can’t spell most three-syllable words. The list of Macy’s problems with Ozzie goes on and on.
In Macy’s eyes, the one thing that Ozzie has going for him is that he pays for their Netflix account. “I’m a freeloader, I know it. It’s technically Ozzie’s Netflix account, and I kinda prefer it that way,” Macy confessed. “I don’t even like most of the shows on Netflix, so why would I buy it? I’m a student, and I already pay for Spotify. It’s just what I do when I don’t know what else to do. I’d break up with Ozzie already, but I’d kinda like to finish Seinfeld first. Plus, my preferences are already set, and the algorithm knows what crap I want to watch and where I left of on my shows. Maybe I can convince him to stop using natural deodorant so we can see this through.”
Macy has no plans to end the relationship at this time. “My hands are tied here. I only need this to work out until I graduate next spring. Or, until Stranger Things concludes.”