Nancy Pelosi Erases Congressional Reelection Concerns With Vow To Bridge The Gap Between Money And Politics

WASHINGTON, D.C.–Nancy Pelosi sent shockwaves on Tuesday following the announcement of her intention to seek reelection in California’s 12th congressional district. It remains unclear whether she intends to hand over her party leadership role, but a campaign victory in 2022 would mark Pelosi’s 19th term in office. The move comes as a surprise to many who previously believed that the 81-year-old would step down at the conclusion of her current term.

Speaking erratically to a group of random Georgetown freshmen, Pelosi blurted out her big plans for the upcoming race. “Bitch better have my money! That’s what they’re all thinking. The people want money in my pockets. And I want your money in my pockets! It’s the American way!” Pelosi screamed in the quad. Campus security stood nearby, ready to intervene should she become violent. After settling down somewhat, Pelosi clarified her thoughts, stating, “I’m here to bridge the divide between money and politics. Plain and simple. The amount of money that needs to be in politics has to be, at least… three times bigger than this! And that’s all for you people.”

The Speaker of the House then launched into a rendition of Bruce Springsteen’s hit “Born In The USA”. The tone of Pelosi’s karaoke bordered on harassment as Pelosi targeted aggressive finger points at the university’s Vietnamese Club throughout the performance. Eventually, the song ended and Pelosi lifted her fist triumphantly into the air, screeching out “Old money, cash money!”