FLAGSTAFF, AZ–Lindsay Irving had grown quite concerned with a lump she found in her breast over the weekend. After doing some online research, everything pointed to the possibility of breast cancer. The idea of this understandably terrified Lindsay, and the worst-case scenarios started racing through her mind. Nonetheless, Lindsay did the sensible thing, deciding to stifle her emotional response until she gets checked out by her doctor.

As you may have gleaned, Lindsay likes to do her research. She’s informed with even her most basic decisions, the least of which being her medical choices. As a result, Lindsay stopped seeing M.D. and D.O. doctors more than five years ago. After learning about their deceptive, money-grubbing business practices, she swore off western medicine and big pharma entirely. Instead, Lindsay sees a homeopathic doctor in nearby Sedona.

Homeopathic Dr. Yahoo charges a steep $400 per visit, but it’s well worth it considering his impeccable reputation. Lindsay travels nearly an hour at least once every six months to see Dr. Yahoo for any medical concerns. Healthcare is of the utmost importance to her, so she only trusts the best. Regarding her potential breast cancer, Lindsay was fortunate to book an appointment for Wednesday following a cancellation

When Lindsay conveyed her cancer concerns during the appointment, Dr. Yahoo knew exactly what to do. “There’s a tried and true method for determining whether or not you have cancer. Let’s see if your hand is bigger than your face,” requested the homeopath. Confused, Lindsay stared at her outstretched palm, wondering what he could possibly be referring to. “It’s quite straightforward. If your hand is bigger than your face, then you have cancer,” Dr. Yahoo continued. Understanding, Lindsay nervously lifted her hand toward her head. The instant her palm pressed against her nose, Dr. Yahoo smacked it into her face. Lindsay shrieked out in pain as her complexion turned blood-red. “Well, the good news is you don’t have cancer. The bad news is you have a broken nose. I’ve got just the thing for that,” Dr. Yahoo concluded.