MIRAMAR, FL–When asked about the gold standard of in-flight experience, Spirit and Frontier Airlines are probably the first two names that pop into most peoples’ heads. For years, they’ve each duked it out for the title of the top discount airline, offering the lowest tickets prices and the highest prices on everything else. The two airline juggernauts sent shockwaves through the industry with the announcement of an agreed-upon merger on Monday.
The proposed merger featured several notable details. For starters, say goodbye to pesky baggage fees. All luggage under 2 lbs ride free on all Spirit-Frontier flights, and anything over that weight will run you just $85/lb. They’ll also be offering complimentary in-flight entertainment. Passengers will get to choose between watching Air Bud: World Pup or a replay of a 2020 United States presidential debate. Transatlantic flight passengers will get the additional option of viewing Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar On Me” music video.
But, of all the changes, one stands out among the rest. The mega-airline will only be selling middle seats. “Our thinking was, like, why not? If you don’t do what they think you won’t do, then that’s when they’ve already got you. Understand?” Spirit CEO Ted Christie shared. His demeanor could be best described as erratic and paranoid. “Yeah, there’s still going to be aisle and window seats. How can you have a middle seat with a window and aisle seat? It makes no sense, dumbass. We’re going to fill all those seats with mannequins. Big mannequins that wrestle you for armrest real estate. And the mannequins get motion sickness. It’s great.”
Christie also floated out additional ideas for the new airline that were omitted from the proposal, such as $5 toilet paper and prison work-release programs for flight attendant staffing.