SAN ANTONIO, TX–Date nights have grown increasingly casual for Owen Michelob and his girlfriend, Stacy. At the beginning of their relationship, it was upscale, low-lit restaurants. Over time, these dates devolved into cheaper chain restaurants, long walks, trips to the movie theater, and toilet papering houses. The formality of their meet-ups faded, but not the quality of their time spent together. Owen and Stacy are going strong. 

This past weekend, Stacy thought she might try speeding things up in their relationship. She’d had several epic makeup sessions with Owen, but because their time spent together always involved going out, they were yet to take the next steps in their intimacy. With that in mind, Stacy invited Owen over for some Netflix and chill. She didn’t phrase it that way, but the subtext was obvious enough.

Stacy intended to pop on a romantic movie to get the juices flowing, but when Owen arrived he had something else in mind. Owen brought his blu-ray copy of Ocean’s Eleven. It’s his fourth-favorite movie and he was desperate to share that experience with his girlfriend. So, without allowing Stacy to have any input, Owen popped the movie into her blu-ray player

“George Clooney!” Owen screamed during the movie’s opening scene. Stacy thought it was funny at first, but then she realized Owen intended to name every single actor as they appeared on the screen. It wasn’t even just the first time they appeared on screen, it was every time if they hadn’t been in the previous scenes. “Bernie Mac!” Owen continued. “Brad Pitt! Matt Damon! Casey Affleck!”

The film was entirely unwatchable for Stacy. She could not ignore every time Owen yelled out, and she was taken further out of the movie with every actor’s name she heard. By the end, she had grown to resent Ocean’s Eleven, and the whole experience really turned her off from Owen. When the film finally ended she pretended to be sick and sent him home. That night in bed, Stacy couldn’t sleep. She kept hearing it in her head, “Julia Roberts!” as she tossed and turned. It was a sleepless night for Stacy. 

When morning arrived, she left a scathing review of the film on IMDb and canceled her upcoming date with Owen. Stacy needs time to reflect on their future together.