Cupid Slapped With Allegations As Consensual Nature Of His Arrows Is Called Into Question

ROME, ITALY–Everyone’s favorite cherub may never be seen the same way following an avalanche of sexual assault-related allegations. Cupid, the lovechild of Venus and Mars, has long been the terrestrial symbol of desire, erotic love, attraction, and affection. He’s been praised around the globe for fostering a culture that encourages love in all forms. Cupid is known to intervene with emotions from time to time, using his notorious bow and arrow to orchestrate couplings. However, it’s those same arrows that have landed the Roman God in hot water this Valentine’s Day.

As legend has it, Cupid carries two types of arrows with him. Anyone struck by an arrow with a blunt lead tip will feel an aversion to a romantic situation and be inclined to flee. More famously, Cupid’s golden-tipped arrows elicit feelings of uncontrollable love following contact. Though few humans have ever witnessed Cupid firing his arrows, his workings are common knowledge. He’s drawn countless criticisms over the years for improper couplings attributed to him, such as Tom Green and Drew Barrymore, and Dennis Rodman with anyone, so these recent allegations are nothing new.

However, these new allegations go a step beyond simply blaming Cupid for orchestrating odd couples — it’s the non-consensual nature of these arrangements that have been called into question. “If I get stuck with an arrow and then I fall in love with some guy named Dale, then that wasn’t my choice. Cupid made me sleep with, date, and marry this Dale guy. It’s like I love my husband Dale, but do I really love my husband Dale?” Caroline Mezcal explained. She is one of more than 300 plaintiffs mounting the case against Cupid. “Explain Travis Barker and Kourtney Kardashian getting engaged. If you tell me that’s not a case of Cupid’s arrow then you’re part of the problem.”

Cupid’s trial commences in May.