Small Talk With New Co-Worker Quickly Exposes Her Belief That Ashton Kutcher Probably Drinks Baby Blood

LOS ANGELES, CA–Amy Zhou has always been a considerate co-worker. She knows what it’s like to not have any friends at the office, and she empathizes with the feelings of isolation that come along with it. With that in mind, Amy goes out of her way to make new hires feel welcome. She makes conversation, offers herself to answer questions, and eases any concerns they might have. Amy truly knows the ins and outs of her current company after working at the place for more than five years now.

On Monday, Amy noticed a new girl. She wasn’t aware of any new hires, but after asking around, Amy learned that the woman’s name is Grace and that she works in the billing department. Amy knew this was an unfortunate placement because the guys working in billing are unsavory, to say the least. “Tevin doesn’t shower, Uriel smashes things when he’s frustrated, and Dante frequently sexts with his mistress during work hours. It’s not the kind of room you want to spend forty hours per week. They play this weird game where they don’t wear shoes and draw faces on their feet, and they role-play as couples,” Amy explained. She knew this poor woman must already be suffering. “It’s even weirder with Tevin. He only has one foot, so his foot role-play is always a widower.”

It was only a matter of time until Amy and Grace would cross paths, and the first encounter arrived a little after lunchtime. Amy saw Grace exit the bathroom and took the opportunity to get acquainted. She introduced herself to the new hire, who was more startled than anything. “Did you hear me in there?” asked a frantic Grace, nodding toward the women’s restroom. When Amy confirmed that she had no idea what she was talking about, Grace started to loosen up.

Their conversation started friendly enough but derailed once Grace opened up about her more extreme views. “What do you mean you didn’t know Ashton Kutcher drinks baby’s blood? All of the Hollywood elites do it. Mark Wahlberg does it, and Gal Gadot, Ellen, Vince Vaughn, Zendaya, Young Sheldon, you name it. They’re all doing it,” Grace went on, starting on a lengthy tangent. Amy politely resisted the notion. In no universe did she believe Grace’s theories could be true. Amy searched for a swift end to the conversation, but Grace refused to drop it. “Don’t tell me — you don’t know about the cabal? What rock have you been living under, Amy? Does the name George Soros mean nothing to you? It must be nice not understanding the world’s problems.”

After fifteen minutes of conspiracy lecturing, Amy abruptly walked away. She will no longer engage in conversation with Grace.