Biden Studying 1980 ‘Miracle On Ice’ Game Tape For Tips On Defeating The Russians

WASHINGTON, D.C.–The world has a predicament on its hands. With Vladimir Putin moving forward with plans to invade Ukraine, the stability of Eastern Europe is at stake. Western nations, including the United States, face tough decisions about whether to intervene beyond simply laying down sanctions on Russia. Most would prefer to avoid a potential World War 3, but all responses, including military intervention, must be considered. 

President Biden has reportedly been navigating all potential responses. In particular, the idea of a high-stakes hockey match has captured his interest. The president has tirelessly reviewed footage of the famous 1980 ‘miracle on ice’ game, featuring an underdog United States hockey team defeating the Soviet Union for one of the biggest upsets in sports history. “My thinking is, if we can get Vlad to agree to settle this sucker on the ice, then we’ve already got the playbook, baby. A winner-takes-all-of-Ukraine hockey match. It’s a slam dunk.”

However, the president understands that it may be a long shot to get Putin to agree with this arrangement. “I still believe that, even if war is the answer, we can learn a lot from the miracle game. I’m thinking it would be a good idea to get Mike Eruzione to head up our military strategy if it comes to that. He’s beaten the Russians once, so his insight will be invaluable.” Biden additionally went on to explain his affinity for Miracle, the 2004 Disney film based on the famed hockey match. “I’ve already got my people on the horn with Kurt Russell. I’m not entirely sure how we’ll use him, but if he’s anything like his character in the movie, Russia doesn’t have a shot.”

President Biden is also seeking consultation from anybody that worked on Rocky IV.