LITTLE ROCK, AR–Ophelia Carter bleeds red, white, and blue. She also sneezes red, white, and blue, farts it, and screams it whenever the urge comes over her. Ophelia Carter is a patriot, and she will do absolutely anything for her country. That is anything except whatever the government tells her to do.
Around the country, people have reached their breaking points with Covid-19 mandates for various reasons. For some, civil disobedience started with lockdowns. With others, they stepped out of line when mask or vaccine requirements became widespread. In Ophelia’s case, it happened at the onset of the pandemic — nearly two years ago. “I remember when they first started making up the coronavirus. Anthony Fauci steps up to the mic, all like, ‘wash your hands.’ That pissed me right off. Bitch, nobody tells me what to do with my body. I knew right then, right there, it was my patriotic duty, as an American, not to do what the doctor says.”
Looking back on that anti-hygiene decision, Ophelia remains proud of the stand she took. “They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Well, how about not washing your hands for two years? I have not seen a doctor the entire time,” Ophelia continued. Her fierce dedication to country and civic duty radiated from her words. “In fact, my hands will never be clean again. I knew that from the beginning. As soon as someone tells me what to do with my body, that’s what I’m not gonna do. I don’t even let water in the shower touch my hands.” Ophelia Carter is as patriotic a woman as we’ve ever seen.