SAN ANTONIO, TX–Every time Susan and Vanessa get together, conversations inevitably turn political. It’s usually not much of an issue, but their ideological divide is quite impressive. With Vanessa identifying as progressive and Susan calling herself whatever Fox News tells her to, they do not typically agree on anything. The fact the two women have remained friends this long is something of a miracle. 

All the same, Susan and Vanessa decided to get together on Thursday morning to catch up on life. They discussed Vanessa’s new job as a hacker and Susan’s misinterpretation of the film Full Metal Jacket. It was lively conversation, to say the least. Inevitably, the Ukraine-Russia conflict lingered on the back of their minds. It didn’t take long at all before they opened the floodgates on that conversation. The women commiserated over the unfortunate warfare, but their divergent politics would take center stage for the rest of the conversation. 

“America made Putin be a bad guy. He doesn’t eat dogs. He doesn’t make fentanyl. Why do we hate Putin?” Susan incoherently spewed. Puzzled, Vanessa waited to respond. Perhaps she had misheard Susan. It all sounded alarmingly supportive of the Russian dictator. Susan sensed her friend’s confusion and attempted to explain her stance further. “Does Putin eat cats? Gerbils? Has he ever overstayed his welcome at your dinner party? Does Putin make crack cocaine? Is his middle name Lyle? No. So, why do we hate Putin so much?” Vanessa was at a loss for words. Nothing about Susan’s babbling made any sense, but the apologist nature of it was unmistakable. 

The two went back and forth debating the situation for several minutes until Susan just blurted out, “well, it made more sense when Donald Trump said it!” Susan confessed that she wasn’t entirely sure why she suddenly supported Putin. She was simply following orders. “First it was Trump, then Tucker talked about it, and then Trump said more good things about Putin, and they sounded like they were really on to something.” Vanessa made one final attempt to appeal to Susan, but it was abruptly shut down. Susan raised a silencing hand, “I don’t know what’s going on in the world. I never do. And that’s a freedom I’ll gladly die for. Whatever Donald Trump says, that’s what I say, too.” Vanessa accepted her friend’s decision and went home.