Episodes Of ‘The View’ Will Now Open With Half-Assed Apology For ‘Whatever They Say Next’

MANHATTAN, NY–For twenty-five years now, The View has been a daytime television staple in the United States. The ABC program never fails to touch base with the spiciest of current events. Topics range from political to celebrity gossip, entertainment, economics, and opinions nobody can comprehend. With a lineup headlined by grounded hosts Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar, it’s surprising how frequently the show lands in hot water with viewers and critics. 

Following several new controversies to open the 2022 season, including Whoopi’s thoughts on the Holocaust and Behar’s takeaways from the Russian invasion of Ukraine, producers are taking a different approach moving forward. “Starting in March, we’ll open each episode with a half-assed apology for whatever they say next. We’re throwing away the reactionary approach where we apologize after every episode, and, instead, taking the proactive high road. We know Whoopi and Joy will say some shit, so let’s nip it in the bud,” explained an anonymous producer. “Please don’t use my name. I told my family and friends I work on cooler shows. This association would ruin me.”

The show is yet to confirm what the apology will specifically state, but a working draft was leaked to TMZ last week. “We deeply and sincerely apologize for the comments you are about to hear. It is shocking and appalling that [insert name here] would say that about [insert topic here]. This situation will be handled internally. From the bottom of our hearts, we are sorry you got offended. The upsetting opinions of our hosts do reflect the views of the show.” Reactions to the leaked prologue were met with mostly disdain, and since then, spite ratings have skyrocketed for the program.

“I look forward to the opportunity to say whatever I want with the impunity that a pre-emptive apology affords me,” Behar stated, vowing to “stop holding back.”