SOUTH BEND, IN–The hostage situation at Saint Thomas Aquinas Parish has finally been resolved. What started as a routine Christmas Eve service two months ago, soon evolved into a God-fearing filibuster. At some point during the Liturgy of the Word, Father Gabriel went rogue. He was certain that he heard the voice of God in his ear whispering, “buy me time. Stall.” And so, Gabriel launched into the most long-winded Mass of all time.

“Sometime around the second reading, I started to realize something was up. Father Gabriel was always dull as all hell, but goddamn the man would not stop that night,” Lester Clem shared. He was one of the sixty-seven hostages at the parish. “He droned on and on, and we all started to get testy. After twelve hours, there’d been screaming, crying, violence, vandalism, and everyone was pissing in the pews. I got the son of a bitch pinned down, and that’s when he said we could have some wine and bread. We survived on the body and blood of Christ for over two months. And it was so boring.”

Father Gabriel maintained compliance by keeping the people drunk for the duration of the two-month-long service, often to the point of blacking out. He also told them that he was in direct communication with God, who was ready to smite them and send them all to hell if they disobeyed. They finally escaped the situation after a frustrated junior high student broke a wine bottle over Gabriel’s head rendering him unconscious. Once everyone sobered up, they went home. Many were upset they had missed Christmas entirely.

Father Gabriel was transferred to a different parish in Boston.