LOS ANGELES, CA–Andrew Dillard is a relentless prankster. At any given moment, he’s got a whoopee cushion, fake blood, and a “kick me” sign ready to go. It used to be good fun. Andrew produced some great thrills for his friends over the years, like organizing the senior prank to dress up a mannequin to look like their principal and placing it in the girls’ locker room to make everyone think he was a pervert. He also classically catfished his sister for over two years. In truth, Andrew had always been a dickhead, but he made some funny jokes, and everyone was low key afraid to be his next victim.
At 34 years old, the constant pranks grew old a long time ago. Andrew can’t stop because, without pranks, he has no identity. Pranking was the only way he could get peoples’ attention. Otherwise, he is a nobody. As everyone grew up, they got busy, and Andrew struggled to plan elaborate pranks. Life got in the way, and his pranks became increasingly juvenile and uninspired. These days, if you’re going to see Andrew, you can assume you’ll get the whoopee cushion at some point. It’s not funny or unexpected, but he insists on keeping the charade alive.
On Thursday, Andrew ran into his old high school principal, Mr. Okashi, at the grocery store. Okashi had been fired following Andrew’s peeping Tom prank in the girls’ locker room. The two had not seen each other since, and Andrew had no idea that the disgraced principal was still upset about it. They exchanged hellos, and Andrew conspicuously requested that Okashi pull his finger. Okashi knew where this was headed — a stupid fart joke. Still, he played along. When Andrew extended his pointed finger, Okashi yanked it with all his strength. The finger was purposely dislocated, and Andrew crumbled to the ground in a farting fit. Other store patrons took notice, but nobody had sympathy for the notorious prankster. Mr. Okashi purchased his Funyuns and left.
But Andrew’s farting persisted through the weekend. It never stopped. At first, his neighbors were upset and filed numerous noise complaints, but one person recognized an opportunity. Felix Navarro is a Los Angeles-based Uber driver. Much like the rest of the world, soaring gas prices are taking a toll on his wallet. When he got over the terrible smell surrounding Andrew, it was clear to him that harnessing this gas leak could solve the gas crisis entirely.
“At first, I was jarring up Andrew’s farts, but the gas was coming out much faster than I could manage, and I ran out of mason jars in five minutes,” Felix recounted. He then enlisted the help of some friends to set up more industrial-level gas storage. “The farting won’t stop as long as we keep feeding Andrew. If we give him Arby’s, we get a version of diesel fuel. When fed with In-N-Out, the boy produces premium gasoline. We’re working to get Taco Bell tests cleared with the fire department.”
Funding for research into converting these fumes into fuels has received international funding from Canada, Ireland, the United Kingdom, and Portugal. Andrew is in a great deal of pain.