LANSING, MI–Dan the Dog is in hot water this morning. Last night, his owner, Miranda, hosted her sister, Sheila, for a wine and cheese night. It shouldn’t have been a big deal, but Dan hasn’t historically been on his best behavior whenever Sheila comes over. He’s infatuated with Sheila and usually ignores Miranda entirely. Several long, late-night talks had followed these encounters, with Miranda making crystal clear how awful this makes her feel. Dan knew he needed to be on his best behavior Tuesday night.

Unfortunately, when Sheila arrived all bets were off. Dan completely discarded his preparation and relentlessly sniffed Sheila’s crotch from the onset. He barely even noticed Miranda was there, except when she had cheese in her hand. Sheila did nothing to diffuse the situation either. She’s used to getting this kind of attention from boys, so it was business as usual on her end. In fact, Sheila encouraged the behavior, rewarding Dan with scratches, kisses, and hugs.

“I felt like a third wheel the entire night. He couldn’t keep his face out of Sheila’s lap,” Miranda confessed. She knew Dan’s behavior around other women had been problematic in the past, but she really thought he might rise to the occasion this time around. “Dan is a dog in more ways than one. He and Sheila have made an ass out of me for the last time. I forgot to change my underwear today and Dan didn’t even notice the stench. It was horrible. If he’s so concerned with smelling good, maybe he should look in a mirror. Dan reeks. I’ve seen him roll around in other dogs’ piss spots.”

Dan the Dog is sleeping on the couch for the foreseeable future.