SAN DIEGO, CA–Saint Paddy’s Day is unequivocally Jeff Sullivan’s favorite holiday of the year. He loves everything about it, including the parade, corned beef, Guinness, Leprechaun films, cabbage, Irish dancing, and all the other touches. His ancestry is also 36% Irish, so the celebrations mean a little something extra to him. But more than anything, Jeff loves the holiday’s playful pinching game. 

The pinching game dictates that whoever is not wearing green on St. Paddy’s Day is fair game for a pinch. In tradition, anyone wearing green makes a person invisible to leprechauns, and leprechauns pinch people for some shitty reason. In Jeff’s case, he doesn’t give a shit about leprechauns — he just gets off on the pinches. Jeff is a pervert. He spent a long time trying to hide it from his colleagues, but everyone could tell anyway. 

When St. Paddy’s Day 2022 arrived, Jeff made absolutely sure to wear no green or anything that could be mistaken for green. “I fucked up and wore turquoise last year, and nobody pinched me. They all said it was close enough. It was miserable, and I was completely blue balled,” the office pervert shared. Jeff wasn’t taking any chances this time around. He might go postal if he doesn’t get some pinches. Because of the whole pervert open secret, Jeff has been passed up for promotions several times now. He has been feeling suffocated by the job, and his frustration is nearing its boiling point. Jeff needed this holiday to go his way, if only to keep his sanity in check. 

As Jeff arrived at the office, he had a big, perverted smirk smothered all over his face. “Hey, Ryan! You caught me! I forgot to wear green,” Jeff started as he walked by the reception desk. He wasn’t going to play it cool. Jeff was intent on getting those pinches one way or another. “Oh no, I’m not wearing any green! I guess you gotta pinch me, Anya! You too, Justin! Wesley? Amanda? Esther? Come on, guys, don’t blue ball me!” Jeff made everyone uncomfortable, but in the end, he got his pinches, including a blood-inducing pinch from his crush, Rosie. That pinch made Jeff’s entire year all right, and it softened the blow of his double-digit sexual harassment complaints.