Grandma’s Attempt At Sarcasm Written Off As Senility

ORLANDO, FL–Visiting Grandma Valentina has become something of a chore for the three Espinosa grandkids. Ever since Nate, Pedro, and Maria sent her off to live in a retirement home, the family doesn’t feel like it anymore. It takes a whole 45 minutes to drive there, and grandma drags out each visit with her slow eating — what a waste of a half-day!

On Saturday, the Espinosas made an exception. It was Grandma’s 88th birthday. Technically, Saturday was one month and twelve days after her birthday, but Maria got caught up in a Twilight Zone marathon that day, so they called it off. In any event, they figured Grandma Valentina should just be grateful they showed up at all.

When the Espinosa grandchildren arrived at the retirement home with birthday gifts and balloons, Grandma was initially confused. Possibly because it was so long after her actual birthday or, as the Espinosas theorized, because her mental faculties were slipping in her old age. “I’m Pedro. These people are Nate and Maria. We are your grandchildren,” Pedro yelled at her. He made sure to talk obnoxiously slow, just in case she had trouble remembering things. 

Once inside, the grandchildren hastily tried getting together lunch plans. They knew they wouldn’t be able to leave without having a meal first, so they came prepared to get it all out of the way. Nate and Pedro started a sandwich-making station while Maria worked on a frozen lemonade mix. Everyone was miserable, and Grandma found herself inadvertently on the receiving end of a cold shoulder from her determined grandkids. 

Amidst all the haste and furious activity, Grandma Valentina thought some humor would help lighten everyone up. “How about we eat some eggs?” Everyone stopped and stared at her incredulously. Grandma famously hates eggs, and this reputation had followed her for years. Whenever they spent the night at Grandma’s, they were certain breakfast would never include scrambled eggs or mayonnaise or anything of the sort. Just the thought of eggs made Grandma pissed off for some reason. There were many fights and some were not prepared to confront this history. However, in Grandma’s old age, she now understood how ridiculous her vendetta against eggs had been. She still refused to eat them but now felt comfortable joking about it.

“How about we eat some eggs? I love eggs. A lot of eggs,” Grandma Valentina continued, trying her best to lay on the sarcasm thick. But the joke flew way over their heads. Annoyed, Nate threw down the knife he’d been using to spread mustard. All three grandchildren glared daggers at their grandmother, already maxing out on their patience. She smiled at them wryly from her computer desk.

Maria had missed Grandma’s comment and requested clarification from her brothers. “She keeps saying she really wants eggs. Everyone knows she hates eggs. Granny’s brain is on its way out,” Pedro concluded. “Somebody get her an egg to play with. She’s going senile.” Nate condescendingly handed Grandma an egg with a smile, patted her on the head, and returned to ignoring her. She tried to explain that the whole thing was a joking bit, but nobody would hear of it.

The Espinosas ate their food in silence and went home.