SANTA MONICA, CA–Radical change is on the way at Twitter. Following an announcement Monday that Elon Musk’s $44 billion purchase proposal was accepted, speculation surrounding the future of the controversial social media platform is running rampant. At the core of the discussion is the age-old debate surrounding free speech. Does free speech mean you can actually say anything? Is hate speech protected under free speech? Should we expect more disinformation? Is Twitter the platform to finally address that gay recurring dream you’ve been having since puberty? The questions are endless, but only Musk himself knows what Twitter will look like going forward.

“Call me Kevin,” started a stone-faced Musk as we settled in for a chat over Zoom. His demeanor indicated earnestness, but the Tesla CEO soon broke out into a laughing fit. “I’m joking. My name is Elon Musk! You must already know that. I’m the world’s richest person. I’m also chill and burn the sticky herb,” he continued, pausing to light a joint he would pretend to smoke for the duration of our conversation.

After feigning a coughing fit and remarking that the weed was “the strongest shit,” Elon offered some insight into where he sees Twitter going. “Free speech! Free speech? The dictionary defines free speech as ‘able to act or be done as one wishes.’ What’s that mean? What’s free speech? Free speech is your name spelled incorrectly on a matcha tea latte. It’s that strip club billboard you always drive by in your Tesla, or pretending you know how to write a ‘Z’ in cursive. That’s the beauty of free speech. It’s whatever I say it is,” Musk shared before pivoting the discussion once again. “You ever used PayPal to buy yourself new shoes? That was me. I did PayPal.”

After listening to Musk list off his business resume for the next ten minutes, we managed to reel him back into the Twitter discussion with a pointed question. Where does hate speech factor into his interpretation of free speech? “It’s everywhere, baby. Censoring any speech is an assault on all free speech. It’s sexual assault on free speech, which is worse. If it were up to me, everyone would be on Twitter every day, sharing at least three hate speeches. They don’t have to actually mean it, but I want everyone exercising their free speech,” Elon revealed through suddenly teary eyes. “Because without freedom of speech, we’re no better than Helen Keller.”

Musk then outlined a plan to no longer count racial slurs toward character limits. “None of them will count. Not even the ones about white people. That’s because of freedom!” yelled out Elon. He then asked to be excused for the restroom and never came back.