Mitt Romney Lashes Out Against Student Loan Forgiveness, Suggests Subsidized Laptop Batteries Instead

WASHINTON, D.C.–This past week, President Biden and other Democrats renewed pressure for student loan forgiveness. As of January 2020, Americans owe $1.75 trillion in federal and private loans, with proponents of intervention claiming “that sucks.” In the days since, many have voiced their opposition to any student debt bailout plans, citing tax spending concerns and alleged “bribery” of voters. The discussions expect to intensify in the coming weeks. 

Among the more vocal critics has been Utah Sen. Mitt Romney. “It’s the most un-American thing I’ve ever heard. Ever. I have never been this mad in my life. Not even after getting spanked. This is Venezuela all over again!” he screamed to a class of confused high school students. Mitt had no appointment to speak, but nobody had the courage stop him when he wandered on campus this morning. He talked through the kids’ entire lunch break, venting about leftists, student debt, and Will Smith’s slap. 

Eventually, Romney’s complaints turned into actionable plans. “What if the government agreed to pay for laptop batteries for students instead? How about that, kids? Uncle Sam buys expensive laptop batteries so you all can stop whining about how expensive college is?” The senator was lit up with epiphany, though his enthusiasm only further puzzled the class. Oblivious, Romney carried on with his thought. “I’ll call it Mitt’s Tots. I saw something like this on The Office. I won’t be paying for it, though. You all will. But it’s important that my name is on the legislation.”

Unsure how to wrap up the senator’s visit, the teacher, Mr. Bartlett, interrupted Mitt with an abrupt round of applause. Mr. Bartlett encouraged the class to join in, and the acclaim shut Romney up quickly. The students’ clapping snowballed into a standing ovation. Romney gratefully waved to his fans and exited with a bow.