WASHINGTON, D.C.–Following the leak of an upcoming decision to overturn Roe v. Wade, the Supreme Court has been under heavy scrutiny. In the alleged document, the court appears poised to scale back federal protections regarding a woman’s right to an abortion. Many are left furious, wondering how the information leaked, while others are in total disbelief of the impending outcome. Taking the news more positively than most, pro-lifers and incels are rejoicing — or at least they were until they realized screaming at women outside Planned Parenthood on the weekends was a moot point.
As the author of the first draft decision, Justice Samuel Alito finds himself firmly at the center of criticism. Feeling unfairly attacked, a drunken Alito took to Twitch on Wednesday night to live-stream his rationalization for the decision. “I call it the ‘addition by subtraction theory’ on freedom. See, freedom isn’t freedom like you think it is freedom. Sometimes less is more. I’m a numbers guy, so trust me, the math checs out,” Alito went on, confusing viewers and himself in the process. This psychotic explanation raged on for several hours, drawing people no closer to a coherent explanation.
Eventually, Alito stopped and stared at all the notes he’d drawn up during his lecture. Even to Sammy, nothing made any sense. He cracked open another Michelob Ultra and plopped down in his chair. “Well, it sounded better when Clarence was explaining it.” Alito hung up the livestream and hasn’t been heard from since.