MILWAUKEE, WI–Ryan Braun Memorial High School has earned a respected reputation in Milwaukee-area education. With an impressive cumulative GPA and standardized test scores well exceeding the state average, parents from all over the city are interested in getting their kids enrolled. Even with outstanding word-of-mouth advertising, it can be a lot to convince some that the $30k per year tuition is worth the price of entry, so they take their annual open house as no joking matter.

Each open house includes a guided Powerpoint presentation highlighting what makes Ryan Braun Memorial High School better than the rest. Without fail, the most popular part of the presentation is the ‘Notable Alumni’ slide, featuring a screenshot from that section on the school’s Wikipedia page. Parents are always impressed by the recognizable names they see. It’s not an exceptionally long list, but it does include some pretty accomplished people.

However, there’s something undoubtedly fishy about the list. “Nobody on that list graduated from high school,” observed Jack Lorenzen, the father of a prospective fall 2022 student. He’s one of many among this year’s open house attendees to express optimism after seeing the alumni list. “It’s all rockers, YouTubers, felons, porn stars, and e-sports athletes. It’s so dope. You’re telling me this school can turn my son into a rock star, or a YouTuber, or an esports athlete like those esteemed alumni? That’s how I know Tyler is in good hands. No other school in this district offers anything close to that.”

Ryan Braun Memorial High School concluded the evening with a surprise appearance by former Milwaukee Brewers baseball player Ryan Braun, who took pictures with fans and announced that tuition for the upcoming year would increase to $49k due to inflation. He also denied taking steroids unprompted.