TALLAHASSEE, FL–Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is an American. As an American, Ron must rid his state of any un-American threats. Chief among those threats is communism. Ron is well aware that liberals are working tirelessly to indoctrinate the country’s youth with communist ideals, like equality and free healthcare, so he takes the matter very seriously.
On Tuesday, DeSantis delivered a huge blow to communist expansion plans, announcing Florida’s new ‘day in the life of a communist’ scared straight program. The curriculum will take kids on a ride-along experience through the day in the life of a commie, highlighting atrocities such as equality, free healthcare, and other things that would never exist under capitalism, like war.
“The idea is to show kids who might be vulnerable to communist seduction that it’s really terrible compared to capitalism,” DeSantis elaborated to reporters outside the Florida State Capitol building. “Kids going through the program will be wondering, ‘where’re the homeless people?’ and ‘why can’t I bribe my way into college or out of prison?’ Basically, with the comforts of capitalism stripped away entirely, we’re expecting a 100% commie conversion rate.”
To illustrate the terrifying experience participants will have, DeSantis offered a preview of the program’s main event: the healthcare line. “Two hours. Imagine waiting around for two hours before you can even see a doctor. That would never happen in a capitalistic society. Then at the end of it, you can’t even pay them for doing good work? That’s at the heart of what makes communism so terrible. I am certain that ten out of ten Americans would gladly pay out the ass for healthcare if they knew they might have to wait a few hours for non-emergency visits.”
The program concludes with a mandatory viewing of Rocky IV, followed by small group discussions about why commies are only allowed to eat soup.