SAN FRANCISCO, CA–Nancy Pelosi has finally hit her rock bottom. On Thursday, Salvatore Cordileone, the archbishop of San Francisco, announced that the Speaker of the House is now barred from receiving Holy Communion in his diocese unless she withdraws her advocacy for abortion rights. The punishment was controversial, and even the Pope’s track record doesn’t agree, but Cordileone appears prepared to stick by his decision.
During Sunday service, the archbishop took time to explain to his congregation just how he was feeling. “You think I like being the bad guy? No. I represent the best interests of my diocese, and most importantly, the priests in my diocese,” Cordileone detailed. Confused faces from onlookers prompted him to go into more detail than necessary. “Basically, we oppose abortion, right? And why do we oppose abortion? Because we need babies. Why do we need babies? Because babies become children. Why do we need children? Because my priests like children. My boys need an outlet, you know?” The archbishop then winked to the audience, making certain everyone understood what he was referencing. This cleared up all concerns.
Following the conclusion of Mass, churchgoers reported seeing a disguised and sick-looking Nancy Pelosi outside. She wore sunglasses to hide her identity and apparent withdrawal symptoms and begged passersby for help acquiring some Communion. “Please, ma’am. You have a beautiful family. I personally would’ve aborted them, but that’s good on you. Would you please help me get some of that dry, delicious flesh of Christ? Yeah, the stale one that tastes like styrofoam. Maybe a drop of blood, too? Just one hit will do the trick,” the troubled Speaker repeatedly asked people.
Most did their best to ignore Pelosi, diverting their eyes and telling their kids she was just some homeless person, so there was no obligation to care. One man, Connor Leary, saw this as a teachable moment for his family. “Take a long, hard look at this pathetic display, kids. This is what happens to you if you vote democrat or accept gay people or masturbate.”