Court Rules Dog Who Sits Without Being Asked Now Legally Entitled To Owner’s BLT

WASHINGTON, D.C.–The Supreme Court of the United States is making headlines again with their latest ruling. Backtracking on the landmark Puzzles the Dog v. Bennett Family ruling of 1961, the SCOTUS announced its opinion on Friday that the original decision was unconstitutional, erroneously citing the nonexistent 63rd Amendment. The new ruling, if upheld, will allow dogs who sit without being asked to take any food in their owner’s possession.

It’s a massive victory for canines, but not everyone is happy about it. In recent reports by representatives from the Republican camp, constituents are hesitant about giving handouts to immigrant dogs. “This kind of legislation encourages migrant dogs to cross the border and steal our hard-earned food. It’s a slippery slope. One day they’re taking our brisket, and the next day they’re stealing elections. It’s the Chihuahuas that you gotta watch out for,” declared one anonymous Supreme Court justice, going by the pseudonym C. Thomas. “Overturning the Puzzles the Dog v. Bennett Family ruling of 1961 is something the court will regret.”

The post-announcement scene was a frenzy of excited and hungry canines. Labradors, Australian Shepherds, Terriers, and much more confronted complete strangers on the street, sat without being asked to, and took whatever food passersby had. “I’m not even hungry anymore. I’m only here to exercise my American freedom,” one Alaskan Malamute explained. “It was never about the food. It’s about always having to live up to someone else’s definition of a good boy. Who are they to decide if I’ve been good enough to get a treat? I already sat down. What more do you want, man?”