UVALDE, TX–In the wake of yet another elementary school mass shooting, a supergroup of Texas officials, including Governor Greg Abbott and Senator Ted Cruz, held a press conference to discuss the next steps. After assuring the public that law enforcement did everything in their power and suggesting that teachers with guns could be an awesome TikTok trend, they shared their collective opinion that doing nothing is the best route forward.

“Make laws? Do you want me to legislate right now? People died in this world, and you expect me to go to work? How could that help anyone? We need comfort. A nice steak. Maybe rewatch a classic John Wayne movie and remember the good times. That’s what we need right now,” a belligerent Gov. Abbott conveyed to his audience. His frustration had been boiling all morning as he absorbed calls for new gun control measures. “What are you looking to me for anyway? How about Nerf? I’ll tell you they’re more responsible for gun violence than us.”

With continued criticisms pouring in, Abbott halted talks about the school shooting to promote the upcoming NRA conference in Houston this week. “If you got your ticket, use promo code ‘GOFORGREG’ at checkout and mention I sent you. That gets you 10% off semi-automatic rifles and BOGO on grenades.” Ted Cruz plugged his NRA promo code for the event before ending the press conference entirely.