PHILADELPHIA, PA–Construction workers building an expansion Wendy’s franchise downtown discovered something eye-opening on Thursday morning. While digging up the foundation to input a septic tank, a time capsule was uncovered. The container was labeled with the year 1790 and an inscription quote, “it’s better for oneself to burn out, than for thou to fade away,” attributed to George Washington. Museum officials soon arrived on the scene to crack open the time capsule and reveal it’s contents.
“Dear future Americans, we are and always have been number one,” a letter authored by James Madison began. The letter bounced around, discussing various political thoughts and strategies the founding fathers believed may come in handy. This advice included not letting our guard down with the Canadian border and to keep politics out of sports, listing Colin Kaepernick by name. Thomas Jefferson even wrote down lyrics to a song he thought Billie Eilish might do justice to.
Most interesting was a shocking premonition into the future of firearms. “Oh yeah, we know all about Uzis, nukes, AR-15s, grenades, Nerf, and, my personal favorite, bazookas,” James Madison wrote, following-up with a stern warning. “Never let the liberals take our guns. After they come for your slaves, it’ll be your guns. It’ll totally suck if that happens, and it’s un-American. Trust us.” What followed was shockingly accurate details about school shootings, Call of Duty, and Dick Cheney’s hunting accident. It’s safe to say they knew everything when the 2nd Amendment passed.
Of curious note, Madison additionally shared their thoughts on fidget spinners. “And may one day our fingers never be idle! But be warned. Ben Franklin created his version of the fidget spinner, and now his hands are too busy to invent anymore. It is our opinion that fidget spinners are Canadian spyware and the product of witchcraft.”
The other contents of the time capsule consisted mostly of goods stolen from Native Americans and expired foods. George Washington included his game-used underwear from the Battle of Trenton. It expects to hit auction later this year.