DAVENPORT, IA–Kelsey Barton was a total legend during college. She partied hard several nights a week, checked eight drugs off her bucket list, experimented with sex, and survived academic probation four times. It all culminated with Kelsey’s graduation ceremony on Saturday. It was nice being celebrated for her achievements, and she partied harder than usual, but Kelsey’s been feeling nostalgic for the glory days ever since the hangover subsided.
“The best is yet to come!” Kelsey shared on Twitter Monday morning. She was lying to herself. Kelsey knew she peaked in college. Nothing will ever compare to winning the Sig Ep flip cup tourney and leading a group streak through the cafeteria. As Kelsey laid out in her parents’ pool, she knew this was the beginning of the end.
Eventually Kelsey’s daydreaming strayed into a full-on highlight reel of the glory days. Spring break in Miami was particularly awesome this year. Kelsey didn’t remember most of it, which made her certain it was the best of times. The only part she actually recalled was floating around in the pool all day before blacking out at night. It was dope. She’d sit on a styrofoam noodle, sip some hair of the dog, and not move from the pool for five hours.
Kelsey chuckled to herself as she reminisced about how she peed in the pool on spring break. The resort was overcrowded, so prime real estate was hard to come by. Kelsey wouldn’t dream of surrendering her spot in the pool just to empty her bladder, so she did it right there. Every time. The best part was seeing people clear out when the water turned warm. Kelsey wouldn’t even deny it was her doing.
As Kelsey sat in her parents’ pool, she closed her eyes and was transported back to Fort Lauderdale. Caught up in the moment, she gave in to her ill-trained bladder, unleashing her urine into the pool. The sentimental rush warmed Kelsey’s heart and her parents’ pool. When she opened her eyes, she was back in Davenport, Iowa. Kelsey’s mood sank instantly. Her father, who was swimming laps, witnessed the whole thing. Kelsey is grounded from using their pool until further notice.