Disenfranchised Planned Parenthood Protester Desperate For New Venue To Harass Women At

OKLAHOMA CITY, OK–It’s been a whirlwind of emotions this week for pro-life Christians like Darren Wesley following SCOTUS’ decision to overturn Roe v. Wade, thus leaving the legality of abortions up to state governments. Abortions are now outright illegal in Darren’s home of Oklahoma, which is precisely what he wanted. Darren has devoted every weekend to fighting against baby murderers outside Planned Parenthood for the better part of the last decade. Ever since he pressured his college girlfriend into an abortion, Darren understood that this kind of decision was not something a woman should decide. So he pushed back against abortions entirely. On Friday, all that hard work finally paid off. 

After the initial thrill of SCOTUS’ decision wore off, Darren suddenly identified a glaring void in his life. “I don’t have anything to do with my spare time now. I used to get off work looking forward to a weekend full of yelling at vulnerable women and making up statistics about abortions,” he shared. Darren admitted that his social life had taken a tumble over the past week, making him question how strong his friendships were. “I don’t hear from any of them anymore. It’s sad. We had some great times. I remember we made this one chick cry by yelling ‘bloody murder’ at her like fifty times while she waited to get buzzed into the building. It was awesome. I think she was just delivering mail in hindsight, but no regrets.”

In more recent days, Darren pivoted his boredom to searching for a new venue to harass women. “I think I’ll hit up a local playground or maybe some popular brunch spot. I don’t know yet. There are so many options,” a giddy Darren relayed about his strategy, seemingly restoring his fire. Darren is confident this new strategy will inspire the old Planned Parenthood gang back into action. “The cause doesn’t even really matter. We’ll think of something new. It was never about the destination for me. It’s the journey. There will always be a reason for yelling at women and making up statistics to make them feel bad.”