FORT WORTH, TX–Brett Federline is a patriot among patriots. He drives a pickup truck with three American flags and nine Blue Lives Matter stickers, as well as having a tattoo of a bald eagle and no health insurance. Naturally, the Fourth of July is Brett’s favorite holiday, and he’s never been shy about vocalizing it.
“Greatest country in the world,” Brett declared at the Federline family Fourth of July reunion barbecue. Nobody had the energy to call out his claim, but the entire family knew that Brett had stormed the Capitol last January. He’s yet to be identified by the FBI, and he has never mentioned his involvement to the family directly, but for about a week, it was all over his Facebook page.
While Brett continued to gush over his favorite country throughout the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest broadcast, his cousin Taylor finally took the bait. She asked him point-blank whether or not he stormed the Capitol. “I can neither confirm nor deny my whereabouts in January of last year,” Brett replied with a smirk. “But I will say that the Lincoln Memorial is overrated.”
The barbecue devolved into an hours-long argument about why America is not number one, a premise Brett refused to accept. When pressed for a list of his top five countries, Brett would not oblige. Though, after some thought, he did offer a runner-up. “No country even comes close to the USA. But I am man enough to admit that Jamaica is the second-greatest country. I had the time of my life at Sandals in 2017, drinking Red Stripe beer and making memories that will last a lifetime.”