Toddler Complains ‘Minions: The Rise Of Gru’ Not Alan Arkin’s Best Work

BUENA PARK, CA–At just two and a half years old, Olivia Alvarado considers herself something of a film buff. When she’s not burning through the entire Criterion Collection catalog, Olivia is at the movie theater several times a week, keeping up with all the latest releases. When she grows up, she aspires to be an actor/director, so Olivia soaks up as much cinema as possible. Olivia wants to be the next Mel Gibson.

Unlike most of her contemporaries, Olivia wasn’t terribly excited for the release of Minions: The Rise of Gru last week. “I’m not a big Steve Carell fan. I know that’s unpopular to say, but I speak my truth. I was not too fond of The OfficeThe 40-Year-Old Virgin was okay. Then these Despicable Me and Minions movies are god awful. They’re stupid and repetitive. There’s no depth. I’d rather rewatch The Passion of the Christ or What Women Want again,” Olivia shared candidly in her IMDb review of the newest Minions installment. She reviews every film she watches, and her takes are known to border on scathing. Olivia’s take on Schindler’s List infamously earned her a temporary ban from the website last year.

Despite all the hype, Olivia resolved to skip any future additions to the Despicable Me universe following Despicable Me 3. Hearing Steve Carell do that voice again left a decisively sour taste in her mouth. That all changed when Olivia heard that Alan Arkin was cast as Wild Knuckles. “I’m an Arkin super fan. Simple as that. If Arkin’s in it, then I’m watching it. Julie Andrews’ casting also piqued my interest, but in the end, my boy Alan ‘the stallion’ Arkin got me through the doors.”

Unfortunately, not even Alan Arkin could salvage the experience for Olivia. “It wasn’t Alan’s best work. If I’m being honest, Arkin hasn’t really wowed me since Argo. It’s tough to see his career decline with roles like this. I’ve always been such a huge fan, but I fear the days of Glengarry Glen Ross are behind us.” The predictably negative experience led to Olivia throwing a full-blown tantrum outside the AMC. When her parents failed to calm her down, security had to intervene. Olivia was slapped with an indefinite ban.