WASHINGTON, D.C.–After successfully pitching the idea to ExxonMobil executives, representatives of The Heritage Foundation think tank elected to roll out a new strategy for combating climate change. Rather than continue the tried and true method of absolute denial, the organization is taking a remarkably different approach: the endless summer.
“Of course, it’s a callback to the classic surf documentary of the 1960s. People love that nostalgia. It makes them feel warm about a topic and opens their minds to deception,” an enthusiastic copywriter from The Heritage Foundation shared anonymously between evil cackles. Once he caught his breath, the copywriter expounded on the think tank’s strategy moving forward. “It’ll start by weening people slowly off the nostalgia of winter. In particular, we expect Christmastime to be a significant hurdle, but I’m confident they’ll hate snow and Santa Claus by the time we’re done.”
When pressed with information about the adverse effects of global warming, the copywriter doubled down on the think tank’s new strategy. “Never mind the fires or that rising sea levels will obliterate our beaches. That’s just sucky. Think about all the money you save on spray tans. Think about living in Iowa, and you suddenly have beachfront property. Indianapolis is the new Miami. Purely from a numbers perspective, and speaking as a numbers guy, we should all embrace the endless summer,” the copywriter declared before sharing stock trading tips to capitalize on the upcoming sunscreen industry boom. “This time, ten years from now, Neutrogena will be bigger than Google, Amazon, and China combined. Quote me on that. Actually, don’t. This stays anonymous.”