LOS ANGELES, CA–Climate change concerns are rampant with an ongoing extreme heat warning in California. Will there be more wildfires? Why do I have to sell my first edition Mewtwo card to pay the electric bill? What happened to my jean shorts? That’s what they meant about global warming? Amidst all the hysterics, the scientific community is crying out about something unexpected: McDonald’s ice cream machines.
Hundreds of climate scientists gathered outside a popular downtown Los Angeles McDonald’s location on Sunday to speak their truth. “We need McFlurries now! Preferably Oreo. Tomorrow is too late. If our numbers are correct, and they are, then 99% of the population will be dead from heat exhaustion by the year 2036 without consistently functional McDonald’s ice cream machines in every city. Let that sink in,” UCLA professor Rachel Kim screamed through a loudspeaker. Her research team has been tracking the relationship between rising temperatures and decreased McDonald’s ice cream machine functionality. “Sonic Blasts and Dairy Queen Blizzards just don’t work the same.”
Concerns are gaining traction, but that doesn’t guarantee action will be taken. McDonald’s has yet to comment on how they plan to reckon with its critical role in reversing the devastating effects of rising global temperatures.