Florida Introduces New ‘Day In Life Of A Communist’ Scared Straight Program That Forces Participants To Wait In Line For Free Healthcare
TALLAHASSEE, FL–Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is an American. As an American, Ron must rid his state of any un-American threats. Chief among those threats is communism. Ron is well aware that liberals are working tirelessly to indoctrinate the country’s youth with communist ideals, like equality and free healthcare, so he takes the matter very seriously. […]
Nobody Acknowledged On High School’s ‘Notable Alumni’ Page Graduated
MILWAUKEE, WI–Ryan Braun Memorial High School has earned a respected reputation in Milwaukee-area education. With an impressive cumulative GPA and standardized test scores well exceeding the state average, parents from all over the city are interested in getting their kids enrolled. Even with outstanding word-of-mouth advertising, it can be a lot to convince some that […]
Mother’s Day: Kris Jenner Sends Internet Into Frenzy With Throwback Photo Of Daughters
CALABASAS, CA–Kris Jenner just broke the Internet with a touching Mother’s Day tribute to her daughters Kourtney, Kim, Khloe, Kendall, and Kylie. In a heartfelt Instagram post, the momager wrote, “Another tremendous mother’s day has me daydreaming about the girls who make this day so special.” The lengthy post addressed her gratitude for her children, […]
Justice Alito Doubles Down On Decision To Overturn Roe v. Wade With Experimental New ‘Addition By Subtraction’ Theory On Freedom
WASHINGTON, D.C.–Following the leak of an upcoming decision to overturn Roe v. Wade, the Supreme Court has been under heavy scrutiny. In the alleged document, the court appears poised to scale back federal protections regarding a woman’s right to an abortion. Many are left furious, wondering how the information leaked, while others are in total […]
Mitt Romney Lashes Out Against Student Loan Forgiveness, Suggests Subsidized Laptop Batteries Instead
WASHINTON, D.C.–This past week, President Biden and other Democrats renewed pressure for student loan forgiveness. As of January 2020, Americans owe $1.75 trillion in federal and private loans, with proponents of intervention claiming “that sucks.” In the days since, many have voiced their opposition to any student debt bailout plans, citing tax spending concerns and […]
With 35th Birthday Approaching, Former On-Again, Off-Again Honor Roll Student Ponders Run At President
DETROIT, MI–Ryan Ekwonu was something of a gifted child. He wasn’t quite a savant or anything of that caliber, but Ryan’s general skill level ranged from solid to above average in virtually everything he tried his hand at. That included soccer, checkers, spelling, math, and cursive writing. From an early age, people understood that Ryan […]
In Effort To Encourage Free Speech, Twitter Will No Longer Count Racial Slurs Toward Character Limit
SANTA MONICA, CA–Radical change is on the way at Twitter. Following an announcement Monday that Elon Musk’s $44 billion purchase proposal was accepted, speculation surrounding the future of the controversial social media platform is running rampant. At the core of the discussion is the age-old debate surrounding free speech. Does free speech mean you can […]
Grandma’s Attempt At Sarcasm Written Off As Senility
ORLANDO, FL–Visiting Grandma Valentina has become something of a chore for the three Espinosa grandkids. Ever since Nate, Pedro, and Maria sent her off to live in a retirement home, the family doesn’t feel like it anymore. It takes a whole 45 minutes to drive there, and grandma drags out each visit with her slow […]
Bossgirl Struggling To Recall Once-In-A-Lifetime Business Idea She Thought Of At 4/20 Party Last Night
BOSTON, MA–Samantha Wesley went hard at the 4/20 party last night. She doesn’t smoke often, but she sure has a good time when she does. Last night she consumed a wicked weed cocktail, including a smoked blunt, space cake, dab hit, and an unknown number of bong rips believed to be in the double digits. […]
Easter Brunch Attendees Walking On Eggshells Around Pent-Up Cousin Who Gave Up Talking Politics For Lent
BOULDER, CO–Easter Sunday is the only time of year the entire Powell extended family gets together. Over the years, the four siblings — Mike, Colleen, Grace, and Austin — have scattered across various areas of the country, making families and living totally separate lives. It’s no secret that they have their differences, including divergent political […]
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