‘Going Out Of Business’ Reads Recently Repurposed ‘Check Us Out On Facebook!’ Sign In Store Window
OAKLAND, CA–Dale Frampton finally pulled the plug on his fifteen-year-old office supply store last week. The business began as a childhood dream after Dale struggled to find a reliable mini stapler during his elementary school years. By the time he was thirteen, Frampton had discovered the perfect mini stapler following tireless trial and error. Hoping […]
Climate Experts Sound Alarm As California Heat Wave Heightens Urgency For McDonald’s To Fix Ice Cream Machines
LOS ANGELES, CA–Climate change concerns are rampant with an ongoing extreme heat warning in California. Will there be more wildfires? Why do I have to sell my first edition Mewtwo card to pay the electric bill? What happened to my jean shorts? That’s what they meant about global warming? Amidst all the hysterics, the scientific […]
Professor Teaches Freshmen Syllabus Week Lesson By Disguising Obscure Book He Co-Authored As Required Reading
INDIANAPOLIS, IN–Professor Matthew Beathard never squanders an opportunity to teach his students something new. Inspired by fictional predecessors like Dead Poets Society, Coach Carter, and School of Rock, his teaching methods are rumored to get pretty unconventional. Matthew is a visionary who knows no bounds and dismisses social constructs. That’s why he’s a business school professor. Matthew is […]
‘Where Was The FBI When Hillary Was President?’ Asks Woman With Vague Understanding Of What Election Results Mean
DALLAS, TX–When Evelyn and Cody started dating, they agreed never to let politics get between them. That was five years ago, and this arrangement is probably the only reason their relationship has survived. Cody is a democrat, and Evelyn is a card-carrying republican. They survived an election, an attempted coup, a pandemic, and numerous other […]
Small Talk With Homebody Neighbor Sets Dangerous Precedent
TOLEDO, OH–Traci Alfalfa has lived in her current home for over three years. She’s a fixture in the neighborhood, and Traci is well acquainted with many of her neighbors. One notable exception is her next-door neighbor, Ralph. Ralph is always home, but nobody on the block has ever spoken to him. He keeps to himself, […]
Visual Learner Has No Fucking Idea What You’re Talking About
TACOMA. WA–Kayla Maximillion is done hearing what people have to say. Why? Because she can’t understand any of it. She never has. If Kayla ever gave a response to anything you’ve said, then she probably faked it. Kayla is exclusively a visual learner. She doesn’t comprehend anything unless she sees it. Being a visual learner […]
Matt Gaetz Admits Only Understanding The Term ‘MILF’ As It Pertains To Teenage Pregnancy
WASHINGTON, D.C.–Fully embracing his super villain persona these days, Rep. Matt Gaetz sparked fury with his numerous comments this past weekend at the Turning Point USA Student Action Summit. Speaking on a wide range of topics, including eliminating the age of consent and creating an American flag household quota, Gaetz made headlines with his thoughts […]
Think Tank Pivots From Global Warming Denial To Endless Summer Spin
WASHINGTON, D.C.–After successfully pitching the idea to ExxonMobil executives, representatives of The Heritage Foundation think tank elected to roll out a new strategy for combating climate change. Rather than continue the tried and true method of absolute denial, the organization is taking a remarkably different approach: the endless summer. “Of course, it’s a callback to […]
Writer Addresses Undeveloped Female Character Claims By Making Her Bisexual
AUSTIN, TX–Owen Barrett always dreamed of becoming a writer. From a young age, he romanticized the idea of writing award-winning movies or traveling the world to cover investigative pieces about some primitive civilizations and foreign links to the assassination of JFK. Owen wasn’t sure exactly what type of writing he’d settle into, but he worked […]
Toddler Complains ‘Minions: The Rise Of Gru’ Not Alan Arkin’s Best Work
BUENA PARK, CA–At just two and a half years old, Olivia Alvarado considers herself something of a film buff. When she’s not burning through the entire Criterion Collection catalog, Olivia is at the movie theater several times a week, keeping up with all the latest releases. When she grows up, she aspires to be an […]
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