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Early Favorite Emerges In Neighborhood’s Scariest Haunted House Competition

YORBA LINDA, CA–Halloween in this Orange County neighborhood is a big deal. Each October, inhabitants of the gated community host a haunted house competition, with top honors awarded to the home with the scariest decor. The top prize? Waived HOA fees for three months. Traditionally, the competition isn’t much of a contest at all. The…

Professor Teaches Freshmen Syllabus Week Lesson By Disguising Obscure Book He Co-Authored As Required Reading

INDIANAPOLIS, IN–Professor Matthew Beathard never squanders an opportunity to teach his students something new. Inspired by fictional predecessors like Dead Poets Society, Coach Carter, and School of Rock, his teaching methods are rumored to get pretty unconventional. Matthew is a visionary who knows no bounds and dismisses social constructs. That’s why he’s a business school professor.  Matthew is…

‘Where Was The FBI When Hillary Was President?’ Asks Woman With Vague Understanding Of What Election Results Mean

DALLAS, TX–When Evelyn and Cody started dating, they agreed never to let politics get between them. That was five years ago, and this arrangement is probably the only reason their relationship has survived. Cody is a democrat, and Evelyn is a card-carrying republican. They survived an election, an attempted coup, a pandemic, and numerous other…

Small Talk With Homebody Neighbor Sets Dangerous Precedent

TOLEDO, OH–Traci Alfalfa has lived in her current home for over three years. She’s a fixture in the neighborhood, and Traci is well acquainted with many of her neighbors. One notable exception is her next-door neighbor, Ralph. Ralph is always home, but nobody on the block has ever spoken to him. He keeps to himself,…

Visual Learner Has No Fucking Idea What You’re Talking About

TACOMA. WA–Kayla Maximillion is done hearing what people have to say. Why? Because she can’t understand any of it. She never has. If Kayla ever gave a response to anything you’ve said, then she probably faked it. Kayla is exclusively a visual learner. She doesn’t comprehend anything unless she sees it. Being a visual learner…

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